My Nickname - Derek Zhang
Derek Zhang is a rising sophomore and member of the men’s soccer team at Haverford College in Haverford, Pennsylvania.
My nickname is Dezza. Sometimes Dezzer, sometimes Dez, but for the most part, Dezza. I love my nickname. I got it during preseason of my freshman year. However, I couldn’t participate in that preseason because of a hip injury, so while my teammates practiced, ran sprints, and put their noses to the grindstone in the August heat, I stood idly by under the sideline shade. All summer long I had imagined putting balls in the back of the net, but there I was picking them out of bushes instead.
When the season started, it was more of the same: shag balls, set up cones, and refill water bottles while my teammates played. On the bus rides to away games, my teammates would have their earbuds in the whole trip, focusing on the game. Meanwhile, the only thing I needed to focus on was cheering from the sidelines. After each game, whether we won, lost, or drew, my teammates could walk off the field knowing they’d be sore the next day, but for me, I knew I’d never be sore. My absence from the field also translated to a diminished presence off the field. Despite my welcoming teammates, I often watched conversations at team dinners and Friday night hangouts from a distance, as if I was sidelined for these social occasions as well. Was I really a Haverford College soccer player if I couldn’t actually play soccer?
Enough was enough. Despite my lingering injury, I decided to push through and play, but there were only a few games left in the season and I was buried on the depth chart. Though I dressed for those games, I still was on the sidelines. However, going into our season finale against crosstown rival, Swarthmore College, I found myself unconfidently promoted to a second-string role due to injuries to other players. With 42 minutes left in the game and a mere one goal lead, the starter at my position went down with a sprained ankle. In my head, I pleaded for him to get up. I hadn’t had real game time in months. My injury still hampered my play. I didn’t have time to warm up. I wasn’t ready. But my coach disagreed. “Dezza!” he called out. My teammates then showered me with pats on the back and daps, quieting my thoughts. Under the 20 degree October night sky, I ran from the sidelines onto the field.
Two months after the Swarthmore game, I spent my Christmas break getting imaging done for my hip and seeing doctor after doctor. As it turns out, I had a torn hip labrum. I informed the team of the news, and my phone subsequently blew up with supportive messages from my teammates and coach. A particular text from a beloved senior teammate read, “I was devastated to read your message in the GroupMe. I’ll never forget how you stepped up in the Swarthmore game and clutched up the win for us”. This text led me to reminisce back on that final game. To reminisce about Coach calling me by my nickname to sub me on. To reminisce about the support my team showed me as I ran on the field. To reminisce about celebrating on the field with my team at full time. To reminisce about how sore I was the next day.
From the Swarthmore game until March, I didn’t play soccer. I rehabbed instead. I went those five months without soccer, yet I still went to Friday night hangouts, I still ate dinner with my teammates, and I spent even more time with the team than I did during the season. Whenever I scroll through my camera roll from those soccer-less months, my phone overflows with pictures, videos, and memories I can’t help but smile at. Though I couldn’t play soccer, I was undeniably a Haverford College soccer player. The difference was that I didn’t sideline myself.
Feeling like an outsider is challenging. As an Asian soccer player, it’s an experience I’ve gone through many times during my athletic journey. Although ethnicity and culture aren’t always the basis for belonging, it’s nice to have that familiarity. It’s comforting. But it’s not a comfort I’ve often found in soccer. I‘ve lacked Asian teammates for most of my career, I’ve never had an Asian coach, and even now, I’m the only Asian player on the Haverford College soccer team. But at the end of the day, soccer is based on merit. It’s about what you can bring to the team, and that isn’t limited to what you do on the field. Far from it, in fact. All the balls I shagged, cones I set up, water bottles I filled, and cheers I shouted were still contributions, even if I didn’t see it this way. Just showing up was enough for my teammates to see how invested I was in them despite my injury. And they showed up for me too. That’s what family does. Whenever a teammate calls me by my nickname, I’m reminded of the home I’ve found in my team. My nickname is Dezza. Sometimes Dezzer, sometimes Dez, but for the most part, Dezza. I love my nickname.
